A Modest Proposal
November 30th, 2005
There is a problem in the world today: fat people. Seriously, people are getting fatter and fatter all the time and something has to be done. I saw the 180lb three-year-old on Oprah who eats something obscene like 6 cheeseburgers from McDonalds for breakfast. And the chick who said she has to hose out her butt crack because there is so much flesh between her asshole and the outside world that is all piles up right next to her sphincter. And didn’t that same woman find a week-old piece of toast in one of her fat-rolls once too? I think I have a solution!
What is the one thing that fat people hate the most? The thing they hate more than they love food? Is it dieting? Is it exercise? Is it Richard Simmonds? NO! It’s being called fat! God forbid someone call a spade a spade. So, with the knowledge that verbal abuse is fat-person-kryptonite, here’s my plan:
We need to genetically engineer food that talks. After it has been cooked. How many cheesburgers could a sack of shortening gulp down if each one was hurling abuse at him/her/it the whole time? "I was cow but you are a cow!", "Remember to stop inhaling meat when you hit your fingers, fatass!". Just imagine the chorus of abuse that would pour out of a 20-pack of McNuggets! Each strip in a pound of bacon oinking away, doughnuts mooing. I am certain that the effects would be noticable immediately.
Artist’s Conception of Earth After Implementation
Speaking of effects, what would be the effect of this? I am not predicting world peace, but I do see big things in the future. I think that this could reduce global warming in two ways: 1) The fat folks would decrease their output of noxious gasses and 2) the decreased mass of the planet would allow us to drift a little further from the sun. So not only would the world be devoid of fat people, but we’d be able to continue our reliance on fossil fuels that allows us to live so well. World hunger would end. While fat people and normal people alike would have trouble eating a meal that was hurling insults at them, I am sure that the fat-bellied little african children that make up the majority of Sally Struthers’ diet would have no such problems and would gladly consume the excess. I have included here an artist’s rendering of what the world would look like if my proposal were to be accepted.
So, yeah, it would be pretty hard to accomplish this. Ignore the difficulties in getting already-dead animals to talk, there are other hurdles to overcome. Like, who is going to train the food to speak local dialects. There are fat people everywhere. We don’t need an Amsterdam of food where fat people, instead of stoners, escape to in order to indulge. Talking food must be everywhere. In addition, we must recognize that fat people are not always stupid people. They will eat the mouth first to silence the food, so we need multiple speaking holes in the food. Better yet, have the food communicate telepathically with the consumer so as to not disturb someone who may be reading nearby. These small problems are nothing compared to the gains that can be had from freeing the world from the cellulite-enhanced members of society.
While we’re at it, would someone shoot that Jared guy from Subway, please?
