At the end of Episode 1, I had finally managed to get the order for my iPhone and my wife’s BlackBerry placed and now I had only to wait for them to arrive. The iPhone was sent prior to the BlackBerry as it was the phone that was ordered in my very first call to Roger’s. Approximately a week after that first call I returned home from work to find a note stuck on the front door telling me that UPS had attempted to deliver my phone. Similar notes were left the next two days in a row. Normally, UPS will only try to deliver a package on three consecutive days and then will leave a note detailing how someone can pick their package up. However, the next day there was a new package to be delivered to my address: the BlackBerry. So, a fourth day they tried to deliver the phones and left another note.

The following day, the fifth day of attempted deliveries, I was sick. I had been terribly sick for a little over a week at this point, but that day was the peak of my illness. Consequently, I was at home when the UPS delivery van arrived at my home for the final time. One box was handed to me. It looked very typical of courier-delivered packages and had a nice heft to it. The second box weighed very little. It was quite obviously empty and it took very minimal powers of observation to realize that it had been opened. “We have a bit of a problem with this one”, the delivery guy said, being terribly helpful. I asked him what I should do with the empty box. He suggested that I sign for it and then file a damage claim for it to get a new phone. Apparently, he informed me, several iPhones had gone missing in recent weeks from the Winnipeg depot. I expressed my complete and utter unwillingness to sign for an empty box and told him to take it back as a refused delivery. He told me that they would file a loss/damage claim with Roger’s and Roger’s would send me a new phone. I asked if I should call Roger’s and he told me that there was no need.

It was only after the delivery guy had left that I was able to fully digest that had happened. UPS had come to my home five times to deliver an empty box. Why didn’t they call me, tell me that the box had been opened and the contents stolen? Why hadn’t they contacted Roger’s about it? I think they were honestly hoping that I would sign for the empty box so that they could avoid the hassle of dealing with it.

After a further three or four days I decided that it might be worth giving a call to Roger’s to find out when I can expect my new phone to be sent out. I called the normal number and helpfully told them my name, postal code and date of birth without needing to be asked. At this point I found it amusing that I knew what they were going to ask for. The first woman I spoke with listed to my tale and then put me on hold so that she could get in touch with UPS to verify that the phone had been stolen. A few moments later she came on the line and told me that yes, UPS had confirmed that the phone had been stolen. Unfortunately, she would not be able to help me with a re-order, it would need to be done through another department. Helpfully, she transferred me into the holding queue of that department.

Fifteen minutes later I found myself again spewing out my phone number, name, postal code and date of birth. Again I related my tale to the woman on the other end of the line (apparently they lack the ability to do direct transfers at Roger’s and are only able to place people into queues with no information passed along as to why they were transferred). Once again I was put on hold while someone got in touch with UPS to verify that the phone had been stolen. Once again I was told that the person I was speaking to could not do anything to send me a new phone. I asked for a supervisor and was placed on hold.

This time I was on hold for closer to 20 minutes. At least this time I did not need to verify my identity again. I did, however, have to explain the situation once more and hold again while UPS was called to verify the theft of the phone. Once that was done I was informed by the supervisor that they could not send me a new phone because there was a criminal investigation going on at UPS to determine exactly where the phone had gone and they could not process a new order for my account until that was resolved. I think I lost my mind a little at this point. I was no longer concerned with being polite. “Why the hell do I have to wait for this? This has nothing to do with me. This is between you and UPS. I refused the shipment. I am not UPS. You have a problem with UPS that you need to resolve and I fail to see how that has anything whatsoever to do with me.” I’ll admit it, I was feeling a little bit angry at this point. I think the woman on the phone could sense that somehow. She told me she had a solution and that she’d transfer me back to the woman I had just been talking to and it would all be taken care of.

Surprisingly, I did not find myself back in any queue at this point. I was transferred directly back to the woman I had been talking to. She then informed me that she was going to fill out an exception form for me which would override the fact that I had already had one hardware upgrade on my phone number and that would allow me to get a new phone ordered before things were resolved with UPS. She told me that once the form was submitted the next representative who received the account would process it and get the phone ordered for me. This was a Tuesday and she told me to call back on Friday to ensure that the order had been properly placed. I should have known right there that there was more pain coming my way.

Friday morning I found myself sitting at my desk, once again dialing the number for Roger’s. I began my conversation with yet another call center woman by spewing out my phone number, name, postal code and date of birth. I then took the time to enlighten her as to the situation. I told her that an exception form had been filled out and I was calling in to verify that the order for my new phone had been entered. She confirmed that the exception had been entered and that the phone had been ordered. I was very pleased with the call up until this point. My pleasure was quickly destroyed when she uttered the word “however”. “However, the order cannot be completed because we are out of stock in iPhones for hardware upgrades.” Excuse me? Beg pardon? I was sent a phone only a few days ago and now they are out? “Hold on a minute, out of stock for upgrades, that doesn’t mean completely out of stock, does it?”. “Well no”, she said, “but we have certain stock allocated to new customers and certain stock for existing customers who are upgrading. Those are the ones we are out of, we have stock for new customers.” I kind of exploded here. I wanted to know why she couldn’t take one of the phones from the other stock and send it to me. After all, this was an extraordinary circumstance, was it not? She insisted that it could not be done. I insisted that it was time for me to meet another supervisor.

The supervisor began by giving me the same line the front-line grunt had given me. No stock for upgrades. I reiterated my position that this was a special case and that I had been dealing with their screw-ups for a couple of weeks now. She was not being convinced so I demanded a phone from the other stock. “If you only have phones for new customers then cancel my account. Everything. That makes me a new customer so you can send me a new phone, right?”. Her lack of understanding only made me more angry: “Why would you want to cancel your account when you already have one?” BECAUSE I WANT A PHONE NOW DAMNIT!!!. She told me to hold while she checked into things. After five minutes she came back on the phone to tell me that they were out of stock for new customers too. I knew this was bullshit but I could tell that she wasn’t going to give it up.

“So, how long am I going to need to wait for a new phone?” Her reply of two to three weeks sent me into new spasms of anger. She was basically telling me that I would be waiting until the new year to get a phone I had ordered in mid-November. The only way I could get one sooner would be to go to a local Roger’s store, see if they have stock and if so, get it there. I raged! I was sitting at my desk just shy of yelling into my phone. I told her to call all of the local Roger’s stores, find one with stock and have them call me. She said she could not do that, that they were not allowed to make outbound calls. I growled into the phone. She said she was sorry but the only way I could get my phone in the near future was to go to a local store.

At this point I unhappily decided that I would have to bite the bullet and go to a local store. It was a pain in the ass, but at least it would get me my phone quickly, right? Right?

The saga will be continued in part three…

Update 12/30/2008: Episode 3: Revenge of the Pissed has been released.

Update 01/12/2009: Episode 4: A New Phone has been released.

Update 01/21/2009: Episode 5: The Empire Bills Back has been released.

Update 02/10/2009: Episode 6: Return of the Mad Guy has been released.

Update 07/06/2009: Episode 7: Seeing Red has been released.

Update 07/13/2009: Episode 8: Resolution has been released.

Update 07/27/2009: Roger’s Wars Epilogue has been released.